Thursday, 13 February 2014

I call him Abg 'S'

"Mr S 34 years old malay gentleman with known case of achalasia cardia diagnosed on september 2013 at Hospital Sg Buloh, initially presented to the hospital with the complain of difficulty in swallowing associated with food regurgitation for 3 months. Currently he was electively admitted to HSB for surgical management"

This is the fifth week im in surgical posting. With the so-so background of anatomy during my preclinical years, i didnt expect much in this posting especially after the disaster of previous paediatric posting. Done deal with a group of mother as well as with a group of kids, dealing with a group of gentlemen such a new thing for me. Yeah poyo betul nak experience bagai.

My first week just finished without a single patient to be clerked fully. Teruk betul dasar pemalas. I dont know why but the things that happened during my long case with RKR haunted me over and over again. Semak doh. Kind of afraid to repeat the mistake. Maybe.

Second week with a new spirit. Read a few thing on Doctrina perpetura clinical surgery book gave me such a strength to be a clinical year student yg sejati. At least i had some knowledge before meet patients in the ward. Masuk ward surgery penuh semangat, pusing2 but i just saw a typical environment in the ward. So many medical student around and so many patient slept. Down and stress sikit.

Gaya mcm nak balik dah but suddenly i stopped depan first cubicle as there was no medical student there. And here it is, my first surgery patient would be this abang from bed no4. Had a quick look his medical report inside the file since it is teknik basi approching the patient. Rapport 2-3 ayat and eventually i managed clerked him fully wahahaha. Balik bilik. Kembang hidung. Puas.

As a good medical student we have to do follow up thingy everyday. So jumpa la this brother everyday( for more than 3 week ok) until at one point i felt like he must be dah bosan menyampah with the same fat guy met him everyday. But he is not! T.T

"Datang la bila bila. kalau boleh saya tolong, saya tolong"
"Kalau ada apa apa procedure, saya sms bgtau kamil terus"
"Nanti nak buat operation,kamil boleh masuk OT sekali"

As time goes by, dah macam rapat pula. Malam on call before balik, mesti jumpa jap sembang. kalau bukan tipikal follow up , sembang sembang kosong. And his wife pun dah kenal. Yeay. 

Radiology report dah siap. Barrium swallow showed rat tail appearance. But it was not typical rat tail. This rat tail was so long. And this affect his management. He was planned at first to have minor surgery (heller myotomy) but it changed to thoracoscopic third stage esophagectomy. Shocked. I never expect this kind of surgery which usually performed in esophageal cancer patient. Major and risky surgery. Its about 5 to 7 hour operation and involved many surgeon. Of course i will not ask permission from surgeon to observe the procedure.

"So esok kamil mmg tak masuk la OT la masa operation?"
"Saya kena kuatkan semangat. kamil tolong doakan lah"

A few hour left before surgery will be performed. I pray to Allah for his safety. And who read this, please pray for him too.

This patient is one in a million.
This patient just turned into friend
This patient touched my heart for unknown reason


Abang S, kuatkan semangat. Insyallah sy ssentisasa doakan yg terbaik :)





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Friday, 24 January 2014

Palsu

Assalamualaikum

Jarang aku tulis bila sibuk. Tapi bila sibuk disusuli dgn tekanan, ak seakan mahu satu mekanisma berkesan untuk luahkan seusatu. Mencari darinya seorang manusia, jauh sekali dalam kamus hidup. Pernah wujud suatu ketika. Setelah Y dan Z pergi, masih tiada yg mampu menjadi ganti.

Tekanan. Aku benci bila tertekan. Dan lebih meyakitkan apabila tertekan tu melibatkan satu persimpangan bercabang yg setiap jalan ada cerita nya. Terhimpit. Membuat keputusan untuk kebahagian diri tapi memikirkan pihak yg mungkin terkesan dgn tindakan aku, aku tak mampu untuk teruskan perjalanan dgn senang girang hati. Jika mereka itu tidak wujud dlm carta hidup aku, mungkin semua ini tak berlaku

Hidup ini kepalsuan ada merata. Sama ada kita yg datangkan, andaikan mahupun ia mmg sudah terpantri dalam cerita hidup. Kepalsuan untuk membuat sesuatu adalah kezaliman pada diri sendiri. Kezaliman kepada adalah satu kebodohan paling nyata. Hanya empunya diri saja yg tahu. Perasaan yg sungguh teruk melata dalam kotak fikiran mengiyang ngiyang hatta saat terakhir mata lelap terpejam. Kepalsuan yg dibuat hanya untuk pihak lain. Bukan untuk diri. Apa nilai di sebaliknya, aku pun tak pasti kebodohan apa sudah ak lakukan.

Penakut. Takut untuk nyatakan pendirian sendiri satu kelemahan aku ada. Walaupun ia meluap luap berapi dalam hati, tapi tak mampu manifestasi hatta sehebat api lilin sekalipun. Sifat inilah punca aku terus dibawa. Hanyutlah segala wawasan aspirasi hati yg teguh tp tidak dibukti. 

Paksa terus memaksa. Ini sikap keji. Namun kadang kala atas nama kita mahu menyebarkan kalimah suci, memaksa itu dilihat sesuci isi disebaliknya. Segala nya terlihat kisah kisah perjuangan dan pengorbanan ulamak silam. Segala nya terbayang satu juta kemanisan syurga kayangan yg kilau kemilauan. Aku tak berani ulas panjang, isu yg sgt sensitif.

Pilihan itu kerja hati. Dalam setiap tindak tanduk hidup aku, aku sentiasa ikut apa hati aku kata. Andai samar, aku tanya dari sudut dimensi yg sebaliknya. Tapi melihat segala faktor sekarang, pilihan dari hati tiada erti. Biarlah tekanan itu kuasai. Biarlah kepalsuan itu menghantui. Biarlah takut itu didampingi. Kerana akhirnya paksa itu yg memakluki segala isi hati.


Ya Allah aku stress dgn semua ni.

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Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Bangun kehadapan tatkala punahnya harapan .

Assalamualaikum

Untuk engkau...

Pernah suatu ketika..
Tika hati itu masih sayu
Tika jiwa ini masih rapuh
Ku ambil segala permata yg indah keriangan
Ku paling segala duri yg pedih kesakitan

Pernah suatu ketika
Tika harapan setinggi Broga
Tika impian bertahkta permata
Ku jaga setiap perasaan penuh teliti
Ku rasa segala duri menyindiri

Pernah suatu ketika
Tika matlamat itu sangat jitu
Tika tujuan ini hanya yg Satu
Ku selami hati jiwa penuh kasih
Ku beri kasih hati penuh bersih

Pernah suatu ketika
Tika namamu tak lekang dibibir
Tika doaku untukmu tak pernah dipinggir
Ku awasi setiap gerak geri langkahnya
Kerana ku mahu matlamatnya yg maha Esa
Kini...

Segala cerita dulu kian pudar
Segala memori lama kian samar
Ku biarkan kau mencari identiti
Ku lepaskan kau perginya sendiri

Kini...
Segala harapan tak sewaja Broga
Segala impian tak seindah nama
Ku lihat sahaja kau bagaimana
Ku andaikan saja peduliku tetap ada

Kini...
Cita matlamat agung itu ku tak pasti
Bukan bermakna aku tak yakini
Ku harap ia tetap ada dalam sunyi
Ku harap ia tetap muncul tanpa dicari

Kini...
Setelah segala yang aku terima
Setelah segala yang aku usaha
Ku iringkan doa agar kau ter'buka'
Ku iringi doa agar kau tetap bahagia



p/s:Bosan juga study.Biar hati pendam lama berbicara seketika.

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Friday, 10 January 2014

Long case was ..

Assalamualaikum

It was 1st december when i wrote my last entry and it was about my missing buddy, Ashbir. Almost 2 month already he in harvard doing his research. Masa berterbangan. Thanks Ashbir for the snow walaupun kau just buatkan aku rasa nak siku smpai senak perut kau. :)

A lot of things happened and i lost in the middle of the problems. I have no right to complain what kind of test that Allah give me. The only thing i can do as an abd is be patient and believe there is a thousand time hikmah behind it. Allah is the best listener but in reality people like us, surrounding by a great people such a great reliever. I lost some of them.

Minggu ni adalah minggu final exam. I did well in theory exam i guess except in O&G MCQ on monday. Trying to be a positive student, looking forward for thursday Paed's long case. Study hard, practice hard. Sampai kena perli hari hari lagi. But pekak kan telinga n give them a smiling face is the best reply for them. Wamakaru wamakarallah, wallahu khairul makirin. Yesterday paed long case did not run smoothly

I got the most scariest examiner, presented the most hardest case in front of the lecturer that i respect the most. Can u imagine the mixed feeling i had in the room? Hanya Allah yg tahu masa tu. Perasaan mmg berserah segalanya kpd-Nya.

Yep, peoples ma say apalah sgt long case je pun, teori bnyk boleh cover. Its not only me yg dpt case susah, present kena marah, examine patient salah finding semua. "Take it easy man, poyo je kau!". But not for me especially when it come to paediatric. I have a dream in this field. Its hurt when u cant do well in a things that u think its belong to u, fit to yourself. Dan ayat pedas lagi menyakitkan semalam masih terngiang. 

Learning from mistake. Stay positive and InsyAllah everything gonna be alright.
Muhasabah. Ada yg tak kena somewhere.




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